Yesterday

Yesterday we went to the hospital for the long awaited fertility clinic appointment. Once there we waited from 11.15am our appointment time, to nearly 3pm to actually see the consultant.

We were told that despite our doctors telling us that there was a problem with my husband's tests, there weren't. However we were also told that due to my weight, we will receive no help at all. No drugs, no IVF, nothing. According to the trust guidelines, my BMI is way over and above what they would allow for either. The consultant went on to tell us that if we were to have a baby it would most likely be genetically deformed. Her words. According to her I should have weight loss surgery. She is writing to my doctor to say this, and ask for me to be referred. She has no power over this though. She wants to check my tubes, but this is the last test and given they won't help anyway, there isn't really anywhere to go with it.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. I could barely talk for heaving sobs, my voice shock. I was humilated sitting there my emotions so on display. So stupid for even thinking we could go for help. Don't you realise you're fat. It's really your own fault, that's what I could see in her eyes. I feel like I have been repeatedly slapped in the face. I cried all the way home driving the car, and then for the rest of the day. I know that I've always known this in my heart but the door closing so firmly is just very hard to take.

G had to go to work afterwards. I was supposed to, but just couldn't. When he came home from work, and found me wrapped in our duvet in bed, he laid and cuddled me. As I've said before it's all about timing here. I acknowledge I need to lose weight. I know this. I'm even trying. Say I do manage to lose oh half my body weight... huge amounts.... within say two years. Then they put me on some drugs... that's easily 6 months more, then say IVF, another 6 months which is probably far too low an amount of time, then a year before we could adopt, that's a total of 4 years before we even start the adoption process and then say two years to adopt. 6 years in total. I'd be 40.

Yes there are decisions ahead. I think we are both on the same page. I'll have the final tests done. This should at least give some finality to it, although will no doubt just be more heartbreak.

Driving home from the toyshop tonight, after doing some shopping, talking about our nieces and nephews, it hit me, that what I will miss the most about not having our own biological children is knowing what they would look like. G has wavy hair, not the typical afro hair, it's beautiful, like it's been set in rows, but is completely natural,  and my hair is wavy too. We've always talked about how our child would no doubt have golden skin, and the most beautiful brown hair tinged with fair bits. Stupid I know to think that way all this time, having always thought the way I did. Doesn't hurt any less now though.