Scarlett's First School Christmas Fair

Saturday at 11 we all headed to her lovely little school and spent a fortune between us on raffle tickets, cards, tombolas, lucky dips, buying tree decs, and decorating Christmas biscuits! I particularly enjoyed that last one, and Scarlett and I made a good job of ours! Can't answer for the rest of the 5 year olds...

Afterwards we all went back to my brother's for coffee and cuddles with Amelie who slept soundly throughout the whole event, despite the loud PA system playing carols and shouting announcements for the school t-towel!

Mum and my brother James waiting for the biscuit decorating to end!!!

And taa daa!!! Here is my work of art!!!!

And still she sleeps...

Back for coffee, Amelie wakes and immediately wants feeding... My mum holding her, while she says 'ere Nan, you wake me up and don't feed me... wants going on!

This was proceeded by a good half hour of crying!!!

Until Auntie Kel gets a hold of her, and she calms down!!!



Had a lovely cuddle and then she fell asleep on me! It's kind of bitter sweet at the moment being near Amelie. I love her, she's my niece and her and Scarlett and Matt, (and Peanut when she/he is born) are so important to me. But looking at my mum's face as I held her, knowing she was thinking what I was thinking, I want one and it's not going to happen, well that was just too painful.

Yesterday

Yesterday we went to the hospital for the long awaited fertility clinic appointment. Once there we waited from 11.15am our appointment time, to nearly 3pm to actually see the consultant.

We were told that despite our doctors telling us that there was a problem with my husband's tests, there weren't. However we were also told that due to my weight, we will receive no help at all. No drugs, no IVF, nothing. According to the trust guidelines, my BMI is way over and above what they would allow for either. The consultant went on to tell us that if we were to have a baby it would most likely be genetically deformed. Her words. According to her I should have weight loss surgery. She is writing to my doctor to say this, and ask for me to be referred. She has no power over this though. She wants to check my tubes, but this is the last test and given they won't help anyway, there isn't really anywhere to go with it.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. I could barely talk for heaving sobs, my voice shock. I was humilated sitting there my emotions so on display. So stupid for even thinking we could go for help. Don't you realise you're fat. It's really your own fault, that's what I could see in her eyes. I feel like I have been repeatedly slapped in the face. I cried all the way home driving the car, and then for the rest of the day. I know that I've always known this in my heart but the door closing so firmly is just very hard to take.

G had to go to work afterwards. I was supposed to, but just couldn't. When he came home from work, and found me wrapped in our duvet in bed, he laid and cuddled me. As I've said before it's all about timing here. I acknowledge I need to lose weight. I know this. I'm even trying. Say I do manage to lose oh half my body weight... huge amounts.... within say two years. Then they put me on some drugs... that's easily 6 months more, then say IVF, another 6 months which is probably far too low an amount of time, then a year before we could adopt, that's a total of 4 years before we even start the adoption process and then say two years to adopt. 6 years in total. I'd be 40.

Yes there are decisions ahead. I think we are both on the same page. I'll have the final tests done. This should at least give some finality to it, although will no doubt just be more heartbreak.

Driving home from the toyshop tonight, after doing some shopping, talking about our nieces and nephews, it hit me, that what I will miss the most about not having our own biological children is knowing what they would look like. G has wavy hair, not the typical afro hair, it's beautiful, like it's been set in rows, but is completely natural,  and my hair is wavy too. We've always talked about how our child would no doubt have golden skin, and the most beautiful brown hair tinged with fair bits. Stupid I know to think that way all this time, having always thought the way I did. Doesn't hurt any less now though.

Up down up down scare the lifeguards!

Started the morning off with a bang today, with Outdoor Water Aerobics at my local pool. Yes it is nearly the end of November and I was in a pool jumping about with a woggle!

It was actually great fun... I was bouncing around shaking my very wobbly bits, boobs falling out of my cossie at times (quick tighten of the strings around my neck) and more bouncing, while thinking all the while, yes I can bounce my way to a fitter body.

I do feel surprisingly positive now albeit a little sleepy!! Swimming seems to do that to me. It was lovely too to see Mum, and do something fun! She obviously showed my wedding bits to the class cos one lady said to me, Oh Kelly we're all so envious of your husband!!

No one but me

Today has been such a busy and productive day, I'm actually starting to feel that things might be on the up. I'm not the kind of person to stay down for long, much more a glass is half full kind of girl on the whole.

At this time of year, I always spend some time choosing my next year's diary. With my work, I rely heavily on my diary, but still like it to have a bit of personality! This year for the first time, I've gone for a filofax, a lovely Spring Greeen Botantical one, and I've really enjoyed adding all my current diary commitments and birthdays etc for the coming year. Looking at the dates has made be realise how quickly this last year has flown by. The wedding plans took up so much time and I threw myself into it wholeheartedly. I'm already pretty determined that 2010 is going to be the year that I change. I want to be more active, lose weight, gradually, and get myself ready for life as a parent. Looking at my new diary makes me realise that nothing is set in stone, and we have the future ahead of us. It really is up to me to take control now, and make this happen for us. If we have a year to wait to adopt then a year it is. We'll go to the hospital this friday, see what they say and then if it is bad news, well then the clock starts ticking.

Secrets

As I said in my last post, my hubby has a daughter. She's 14.  This has been pretty much a secret until very recently. He didn't want people to know about it, as he had never had a relationship with her. Her mum took her abroad, and remarried when she was a baby, and he was pretty bitter about the whole thing when I met him and he finally told me. Since then, we've talked a good number of times, and recently she got in touch with G's parents. This weekend he met her for the first time, and it seemed to go well for them. I was pretty worried the whole time he was out.

We'd agreed that they would get to know each other alone before introducing me, and that he should take his time, but that he should tell her about me straight away as part of his life. I was pretty upset then to find that he had taken her to his sisters, with his cousins being there too.The time was supposed to be for them, and if anyone was to be introduced, I think it should have been me, after all, I will be the one who will be more involved in her life.  I was even more upset to find out that he hadn't told her that we were married, just let her believe that we were just living together. He says that he told her lovely things about me but that he didn't want to shock her too much on the first meeting. I'm just so upset though... partly because he now has lied to her, partly because he has lied about me, making our relationship a secret. She apparently asked to come live with him, which just breaks my heart straight away, that she is so unhappy with her mum that she would do that immediately, and the difficult position it puts us in. At first he told me that he said he'd have to talk to me, which just puts me in a wonderful position as being the one who said no, although since he has said that he told her it was too soon for that. You can imagine the day I've had today with him. We've barely talked, when we have, it's been to argue and for me to cry.

I know I am being selfish. I can't help it. I want kids... anyone who reads this would know how much I do. But this girl is 14, never known her dad, and now wants to be a huge part of his life. I'm scared that my new marriage is going to be tested more that I could have imagined possible. It's pretty hard dealing with this at the same time as desparately wanting a baby that I just can't have. Yes I knew she existed before I married him, but she wasn't real, not part of his life, and whilst I support him being part of her life the reality is very hard to deal with.

Difficult Times

Been a tough week. I've talked previously about the fertility appointment and tests we have been undergoing. After a poor result on G's test, we repeated it last week much to his utter disgust. He really doesn't enjoy having to do that sort of thing, unless it's for funs sake!

We got a call on Thursday from the doctors surgery to tell us to repeat the test again. When we questioned this, eventually a doctor called and very shadily asked us to come in and discuss the matter. I consequently spent the rest of the day in tears. We rushed in the next morning as soon as they opened to be told that neither of our tests have come back with a good result. I am not ovaluatiing, and his mobility and count is low. Additionally we were then told that as my hubby has a daughter from a previous relationship, that we wouldnt qualify for IVF treatment.  We still have our appointment next Friday with the fertility clinic but it's really not looking good.

I never thought that we would be able to conceive.... I've always said it, but the tests over the last few weeks and months have almost tricked me into thinking it might be. I just can't think positively for that reason, but mum says she will think positively for me.

I'm just heartbroken that we have to wait a year from the time that we stop trying until we can start adoption proceedings. For me, adoption seems to be the clear way forward, but the waiting to even start the process just seems so much.

My Beautiful Nieces

Popped over for a quick cuddle and the odd bit of playdough modelling, yes I did multi task... on the way home from work yesterday.

The girls are just so beautiful... Amelie seems to now really look like Scarlett did as a newborn. Scarlett is so good with her too. A little loud, but adorable just the same!

What a pair of little munchkins! Amelie was pulling all sorts of faces while Scarlett posed like a good 'un!

Me looking slighly shattered at the hospital two days before with the little princess. A very proud Auntie!

She just wouldnt wake up in that hospital for her feed! All change now she is at home... she's a greedy guts who loves her milk!

The Most Fantastic News!!!

Yes I know I have been a very very bad blogger over the last couple of weeks, just been very busy and will catch up on my tales shortly but couldnt resist the opportunity to post this news!!

My sister in law gave birth on 6th November 2009 at 3.30pm to Amelie Kate, 7lb 8ozs.

She unfortunately swallowed alot of muck on her way out and got distressed and has been in the neo natal section since her birth, which means noone got to see her apart from her mum and dad, and even they had to wait til nearly 10pm!!!! She's now out of that section though and in with her mum, though we don't have a date yet when they can both come home!

She was an instant hit with her big sister who had been so anxious to hold her! It was love at first sight. Scarlett has been staying with my Mum and Dad whilst the labour took place and apparently she sobbed on having to leave her sister and mum and dad in the hospital. Bless her. It's already turned her world around... she's just 4.

Baby Amelie has sooo much dark hair!

More pics when I get to meet her myself hopefully tomorrow!!