New Years Eve news!!!

This morning has brought exciting news. My sister in law, Donna has gone into labour! Her water's broke at about 7.20am and she was taken into hospital. The baby wasn't due til Feb!!! We've always thought it would come early as Donna is diabetic and has been kept a very close eye on... but this is very early, and exciting! My brother and her live in Inverness in Scotland, so it's a long way to go to visit so we must sit patiently (or not so in my case) and wait!

Who knows... it could be the first baby of the New Year born at this rate!!!!!!

Amelie's first Christmas

What a little beauty she is, and what a good girl! She enjoyed having
cuddles from her Auntie Kel and Uncle G especially! Look at the way
he's looking at her! Missing her already x

He's been!!!!!

Father Christmas has been, G's already opened his stocking at half
six, and eaten his gingerbread man!!!!!

Presents at the ready!

Spent my first day of holiday bagging up the pressies to go to my
Nan's for Christmas day! This isn't even all of them!!! We're going to
have to make two car journeys! I do so love the giving!!!

Falling Asleep

How I treasure the magic of falling asleep,

As I slither down into my bed.

My burrowing shoulder is feathery warm

Where the pillow curves under my head.

Light butterfly bedclothes are settling down

All around me, a drowsy cocoon.

My nightlight the lamp which glows out in the street

Iin case someone turns off the moon.

Take a sprinkle of stardust, a scatter of dreams,

Add a snippet of sorcerer's spell.

Was that really a wayfaring witch on her broom?

Did a wizard waft by? Who can tell?



And I float over fields filled with fresh fragrant flowers

In a swansdown soft cloud, snuggled deep....

How I wish I could stay wide-awake to enjoy

 Just how much I love falling asleep. 

Gwyneth Butler 

Little Angel

Scarlett was an angel in his first play! She seemed to enjoy it, mum
and I welled up....she struggled with her tights!!!!

Our beautiful tree!!!

Scarlett's First School Christmas Fair

Saturday at 11 we all headed to her lovely little school and spent a fortune between us on raffle tickets, cards, tombolas, lucky dips, buying tree decs, and decorating Christmas biscuits! I particularly enjoyed that last one, and Scarlett and I made a good job of ours! Can't answer for the rest of the 5 year olds...

Afterwards we all went back to my brother's for coffee and cuddles with Amelie who slept soundly throughout the whole event, despite the loud PA system playing carols and shouting announcements for the school t-towel!

Mum and my brother James waiting for the biscuit decorating to end!!!

And taa daa!!! Here is my work of art!!!!

And still she sleeps...

Back for coffee, Amelie wakes and immediately wants feeding... My mum holding her, while she says 'ere Nan, you wake me up and don't feed me... wants going on!

This was proceeded by a good half hour of crying!!!

Until Auntie Kel gets a hold of her, and she calms down!!!



Had a lovely cuddle and then she fell asleep on me! It's kind of bitter sweet at the moment being near Amelie. I love her, she's my niece and her and Scarlett and Matt, (and Peanut when she/he is born) are so important to me. But looking at my mum's face as I held her, knowing she was thinking what I was thinking, I want one and it's not going to happen, well that was just too painful.

Yesterday

Yesterday we went to the hospital for the long awaited fertility clinic appointment. Once there we waited from 11.15am our appointment time, to nearly 3pm to actually see the consultant.

We were told that despite our doctors telling us that there was a problem with my husband's tests, there weren't. However we were also told that due to my weight, we will receive no help at all. No drugs, no IVF, nothing. According to the trust guidelines, my BMI is way over and above what they would allow for either. The consultant went on to tell us that if we were to have a baby it would most likely be genetically deformed. Her words. According to her I should have weight loss surgery. She is writing to my doctor to say this, and ask for me to be referred. She has no power over this though. She wants to check my tubes, but this is the last test and given they won't help anyway, there isn't really anywhere to go with it.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. I could barely talk for heaving sobs, my voice shock. I was humilated sitting there my emotions so on display. So stupid for even thinking we could go for help. Don't you realise you're fat. It's really your own fault, that's what I could see in her eyes. I feel like I have been repeatedly slapped in the face. I cried all the way home driving the car, and then for the rest of the day. I know that I've always known this in my heart but the door closing so firmly is just very hard to take.

G had to go to work afterwards. I was supposed to, but just couldn't. When he came home from work, and found me wrapped in our duvet in bed, he laid and cuddled me. As I've said before it's all about timing here. I acknowledge I need to lose weight. I know this. I'm even trying. Say I do manage to lose oh half my body weight... huge amounts.... within say two years. Then they put me on some drugs... that's easily 6 months more, then say IVF, another 6 months which is probably far too low an amount of time, then a year before we could adopt, that's a total of 4 years before we even start the adoption process and then say two years to adopt. 6 years in total. I'd be 40.

Yes there are decisions ahead. I think we are both on the same page. I'll have the final tests done. This should at least give some finality to it, although will no doubt just be more heartbreak.

Driving home from the toyshop tonight, after doing some shopping, talking about our nieces and nephews, it hit me, that what I will miss the most about not having our own biological children is knowing what they would look like. G has wavy hair, not the typical afro hair, it's beautiful, like it's been set in rows, but is completely natural,  and my hair is wavy too. We've always talked about how our child would no doubt have golden skin, and the most beautiful brown hair tinged with fair bits. Stupid I know to think that way all this time, having always thought the way I did. Doesn't hurt any less now though.

Up down up down scare the lifeguards!

Started the morning off with a bang today, with Outdoor Water Aerobics at my local pool. Yes it is nearly the end of November and I was in a pool jumping about with a woggle!

It was actually great fun... I was bouncing around shaking my very wobbly bits, boobs falling out of my cossie at times (quick tighten of the strings around my neck) and more bouncing, while thinking all the while, yes I can bounce my way to a fitter body.

I do feel surprisingly positive now albeit a little sleepy!! Swimming seems to do that to me. It was lovely too to see Mum, and do something fun! She obviously showed my wedding bits to the class cos one lady said to me, Oh Kelly we're all so envious of your husband!!

No one but me

Today has been such a busy and productive day, I'm actually starting to feel that things might be on the up. I'm not the kind of person to stay down for long, much more a glass is half full kind of girl on the whole.

At this time of year, I always spend some time choosing my next year's diary. With my work, I rely heavily on my diary, but still like it to have a bit of personality! This year for the first time, I've gone for a filofax, a lovely Spring Greeen Botantical one, and I've really enjoyed adding all my current diary commitments and birthdays etc for the coming year. Looking at the dates has made be realise how quickly this last year has flown by. The wedding plans took up so much time and I threw myself into it wholeheartedly. I'm already pretty determined that 2010 is going to be the year that I change. I want to be more active, lose weight, gradually, and get myself ready for life as a parent. Looking at my new diary makes me realise that nothing is set in stone, and we have the future ahead of us. It really is up to me to take control now, and make this happen for us. If we have a year to wait to adopt then a year it is. We'll go to the hospital this friday, see what they say and then if it is bad news, well then the clock starts ticking.

Secrets

As I said in my last post, my hubby has a daughter. She's 14.  This has been pretty much a secret until very recently. He didn't want people to know about it, as he had never had a relationship with her. Her mum took her abroad, and remarried when she was a baby, and he was pretty bitter about the whole thing when I met him and he finally told me. Since then, we've talked a good number of times, and recently she got in touch with G's parents. This weekend he met her for the first time, and it seemed to go well for them. I was pretty worried the whole time he was out.

We'd agreed that they would get to know each other alone before introducing me, and that he should take his time, but that he should tell her about me straight away as part of his life. I was pretty upset then to find that he had taken her to his sisters, with his cousins being there too.The time was supposed to be for them, and if anyone was to be introduced, I think it should have been me, after all, I will be the one who will be more involved in her life.  I was even more upset to find out that he hadn't told her that we were married, just let her believe that we were just living together. He says that he told her lovely things about me but that he didn't want to shock her too much on the first meeting. I'm just so upset though... partly because he now has lied to her, partly because he has lied about me, making our relationship a secret. She apparently asked to come live with him, which just breaks my heart straight away, that she is so unhappy with her mum that she would do that immediately, and the difficult position it puts us in. At first he told me that he said he'd have to talk to me, which just puts me in a wonderful position as being the one who said no, although since he has said that he told her it was too soon for that. You can imagine the day I've had today with him. We've barely talked, when we have, it's been to argue and for me to cry.

I know I am being selfish. I can't help it. I want kids... anyone who reads this would know how much I do. But this girl is 14, never known her dad, and now wants to be a huge part of his life. I'm scared that my new marriage is going to be tested more that I could have imagined possible. It's pretty hard dealing with this at the same time as desparately wanting a baby that I just can't have. Yes I knew she existed before I married him, but she wasn't real, not part of his life, and whilst I support him being part of her life the reality is very hard to deal with.

Difficult Times

Been a tough week. I've talked previously about the fertility appointment and tests we have been undergoing. After a poor result on G's test, we repeated it last week much to his utter disgust. He really doesn't enjoy having to do that sort of thing, unless it's for funs sake!

We got a call on Thursday from the doctors surgery to tell us to repeat the test again. When we questioned this, eventually a doctor called and very shadily asked us to come in and discuss the matter. I consequently spent the rest of the day in tears. We rushed in the next morning as soon as they opened to be told that neither of our tests have come back with a good result. I am not ovaluatiing, and his mobility and count is low. Additionally we were then told that as my hubby has a daughter from a previous relationship, that we wouldnt qualify for IVF treatment.  We still have our appointment next Friday with the fertility clinic but it's really not looking good.

I never thought that we would be able to conceive.... I've always said it, but the tests over the last few weeks and months have almost tricked me into thinking it might be. I just can't think positively for that reason, but mum says she will think positively for me.

I'm just heartbroken that we have to wait a year from the time that we stop trying until we can start adoption proceedings. For me, adoption seems to be the clear way forward, but the waiting to even start the process just seems so much.

My Beautiful Nieces

Popped over for a quick cuddle and the odd bit of playdough modelling, yes I did multi task... on the way home from work yesterday.

The girls are just so beautiful... Amelie seems to now really look like Scarlett did as a newborn. Scarlett is so good with her too. A little loud, but adorable just the same!

What a pair of little munchkins! Amelie was pulling all sorts of faces while Scarlett posed like a good 'un!

Me looking slighly shattered at the hospital two days before with the little princess. A very proud Auntie!

She just wouldnt wake up in that hospital for her feed! All change now she is at home... she's a greedy guts who loves her milk!

The Most Fantastic News!!!

Yes I know I have been a very very bad blogger over the last couple of weeks, just been very busy and will catch up on my tales shortly but couldnt resist the opportunity to post this news!!

My sister in law gave birth on 6th November 2009 at 3.30pm to Amelie Kate, 7lb 8ozs.

She unfortunately swallowed alot of muck on her way out and got distressed and has been in the neo natal section since her birth, which means noone got to see her apart from her mum and dad, and even they had to wait til nearly 10pm!!!! She's now out of that section though and in with her mum, though we don't have a date yet when they can both come home!

She was an instant hit with her big sister who had been so anxious to hold her! It was love at first sight. Scarlett has been staying with my Mum and Dad whilst the labour took place and apparently she sobbed on having to leave her sister and mum and dad in the hospital. Bless her. It's already turned her world around... she's just 4.

Baby Amelie has sooo much dark hair!

More pics when I get to meet her myself hopefully tomorrow!!

Six months today....

 It's unbelievable to me that six months ago today G and I were married. In some respects it only seems like yesterday... on the other hand so much has happened in the last six months that I feel we have been married for years.

 Despite having previously had a wedding blog in the run up to the wedding, I never actually posted any official photos. So here we go, to celebrate 6 very happy months of marriage to my wonderful husband... hands off girls.. I know he is dishy but he's all mine! hehehe!    My necklace was Butler and Wilson and I bought it before we'd even set the date or considered the dress!

Our photographer David was amazing. He came to my Nan's house before the wedding to capture the story telling shots I wanted, pictures of my dress and shoes and perfume etc so I would always remember the details that I worked so hard to create.

Our florist was wonderful too. A local lady who didnt mind the cutout mag pics I gave her of what not to do as well as what I wanted! The butterflies in the bouquet are the same ones I used to decorate the centrepieces with.

My Nan's house was a vital part of getting ready! My Mum had got ready at the same house on her wedding day and for me that traditional element meant so much. G and I married in the same church as my parents, nearly 37 years to the day later! Kind of special eh.

David dashed off to the pub shortly afterwards giving me time to get dressed and him time to get some cracking shots pre wedding of G with pre wedding guests! This one is of my sister in law, godmother and the best man! Looks like they had a brilliant time. I loved looking at the photos afterwards as it gave me an opportunity to see bits of the day I wasnt there for.

Matt and Scarlett were our pageboy and bridesmaid and did a sterling job! Matt took the responsibility very seriously and enjoyed being part of the "organising team" in his words, hehehe! He was so helpful setting up the bar and telling the caterers were I wanted things on the morning of the wedding whilst I was busy getting ready with hairdresser and makeup artists. Scarlett was much more interested in just following Matt around.

After a false start (caused by G's family being 40 minutes late to the wedding) it was finally time to start the ceremony! I got out of the car, all flustered cos poor G had been waiting for at least an hour and half in the church to get started, and managed to rip my wrap which was attached to my dress!! The panic! One of the church ladies dashed to the rectory to get a pin for me! And the Vicar did a short prayer with me before entering the church to try and calm me down! It all starts now!!!

Dad and I walked down the very tight aisle trying hard not to get there too quickly or too slow. Songbird by Eva Cassidy played. It was surreal, walking past people I knew (and some I didn't) looking but not really seeing them. I looked forward and saw G looking at me, then moving forward to the Vicar. I looked to the side front and saw my mum crying. I looked at my Dad, and this photo is that moment... that split second. I cried the whole way while beaming!

This photo is so special to me because it was taken while G was saying his vows to me. Despite worrying about getting them right, he said them perfectly, while holding my hands and looking into my eyes. I welled up once again. And then cried all through mine. Someone at the back laughed, thinking I was laughing. It was the most precious moment of the day to me.

One of the few photos that I had requested was a picture of my Mum throughout the service. I knew her emotions would be on show so I wanted this badly. There are a few fantastic pictures of her. I also love this one of my parents singing together in church. I love the way that mum holds dad's arm.

There are a whole series of shots of us leaving the church. I love them all. You can see the joy, the excitement, and the relief on our faces! The hard bit was done... now it was time to party!!!

G loves this photo. I do too. His mum looks so happy for us.

Our car was beautiful but so warm! Not that we were complaining with the lovely sunny day we had! There were so many people standing just watching us and we were saying just go, we needed them to be at the venue ready for all the main pics!! How handsome does my hubby look!!!

Yeah we were caught smooching.... we werent posing...these next two are natural!!

This is probably our favourite shot of the day. We have this blown up very big on a canvas in black and white in our bedroom. Every day I wake up looking at it, and G often refers to how brilliant it was and how he remembers the moment.

I made everything that we had at the wedding....all the place cards, the menus, the centrepiece birdcages, the invites, the tableplan, goodness I am sure there were more things!!

Of course I didnt make them from scratch but I did decorate them completely my design and by hand! It took me a whole day to do the centrepieces alone and my living room and I were both smothered in glitter after it!

My brother made our Wedding cake which was simply beautiful! He made his own some years before, and I always wanted him to do it so I was thrilled when he agreed. A friend of my mum's made "us" to sit on top of the cake... we gave her pics of me in my dress when I found it,  G in his suit and my hair as it is when I go out! This pic doesn't do the cake justice!

The silver charms on the cake were special too, and were my something borrowed! They were from my parents wedding cake. How much more special can you get!!!

My beautiful boy... Matt my nephew and the apple of my eye. He really did enjoy the day and it wouldnt have been the same without him there.

My Dad's speech was the first of the speeches and definitely set the bar. He had been practising religiously and even in the middle of the night according to Mum. He had me laughing and crying. My Nan too. I was choked beyond belief.

When it came to G's speech, he was scared stiff. We'd decided to do this jointly because me being bossy kind I knew that the thanks needed to my parents, and friends, well I knew I'd only be happy using my own words. G spoke first and used the immortal phase "My wife and I would like to thank you all for coming today" and there was a burst of clapping and cheering. I cried throughout our whole speech. I sobbed telling my parents and friends what they meant to me, and how lucky I was to have them help us and influence our lives. Then to G, I told him what he meant to me, and he in turn said the nicest things ever to me too.

G's best man, and cousin did a fantastic speech...funny and thoughtful, far better than we could have ever imagined. He talked with warmth and real feeling for G and I know it meant the world to G, well both of us.

Next surprisingly, my two brothers stood up, and announced they couldn't let the occasion go without dishing some dirt on me. Well sure they did this, but they also made me a very proud sister. One line I will always remember, they told G that "in my sister you have got a smart sassy women who is everyone's friend, and nobodies fool." I sat the next morning in the bathroom at our very swish hotel, and remembered that line and cried my eyes out. This picture is G listening to their speech, in only the way G can.... love him.

My mum was responsible for collecting together these pictures and making massive collages of us growing up! It was amazing for our guests to see these glimpses of our lives before and with each other! And for us too! Lots of our guests were in them too! It was all a secret and we didnt know they would be there!! But they looked amazing!

So that's it... a snapshot of our amazing photos... we have over a 1000 so it was dead hard cutting them down! Our day was amazing! We couldnt have asked for anymore. It was a dream come true!